I just wanted to make clear the reason for my blog. I'm not looking for any pitty or attention, but just to simply tell my story. I think of it as a virtual diary, which is very therapeutic. I plan on writing a letter every day (or so, depending on my crazy schedule) to someone or something that impacted my day. Here is a recap on my life: I am twenty one years old and just recently moved back in with my parents. I lived in San Diego for the past year and a half with my (now ex) boyfriend. The moved back home was the result of an epic mental melt down. I still have no explanation for the events that took place in my life while we were dating. All I can say is how darkness the is absence of light, depression is the result of no God. But let me start at the very beginning. I am the product of a dysfunctional family. I have a hard working mother, a blind (figuratively speaking) father and siblings I absolutely adore. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and both remarried when I was 8. I was 9 during the worst of the storm, when both parents were facing tremendous heartache. For some reason they felt safety in me, leading to me becoming their personal therapist at the beautiful age of 10. This led to my first breakdown. I liked that they confided in me, but my innocent, gentle mind couldn't handle the chaos. I panicked and melted. I felt so bad afterwards. Why couldn't I just handle it? Oh young Samantha, how I wish I could shelter you. In a family with many kids, I disappeared. They always trusted me 'to take care of myself.' I spent my entire life being an overachiever, desperatly seeking my father's attention. My stepdad is an amazing guy and I love my mom dearly, but all I wanted was my father's time. I guess the story could have went way differently; I could have sought that lack of attention in other guys or drugs or partying, but the fact that I didnt proves that God always had His hand over me. I met my bestfriend, Sarena, in the 7th grade. She was one of the 'popular kids' and I was defiantly a 'late bloomer.' I was suprised that she was so nice. We have had our good times and bad, but she really is my other half. Sarena was the one who first invited me to Generations when we were sixteen. Through her, I met Alysia, one of the most genuine caring people in my life. I was actually put off at first by how much she cared about me. I grew up in church (sort of) and always knew there was a God, but Generations was different, they actually wanted me to have a relationship with Him. I went to the encounter and experienced some amazing things, but I was dating my 'high school sweetheart' at the time and my heart wasnt really in it. Which explains why when boyfriend #2 came around, I was so quick to move. I thought leaving Yuma was my answer, foolish girl. Fast forward past the destruction and I end up back in Yuma at the end of May '10. I was seeing a therapist, a whole crisis team actually, but each day I kept sinking deeper. Suzy, my friend and hair dresser, was the only person I kept in contact with when I moved. She also went to Generations and invited me to cell and church with her. I saw Alysia when I first got to church and ducked my head out of embarrassment and shame. I didnt want her to see me. Pastor Tim did the alter call and Suzy held my hand as we walked to the front. All I could think was 'its finally over.' Alysia was on stage playing the keyboard and we made eye contact. Crying was inevitable. I could tell by the look on her face that she missed me. Pastor Sarah, Suzy and Alysia all sat with me in the consolidation room, praying for me and crying with me. Its like they actually felt the hell that was going on inside of me and then the release that happened when Jesus entered my life. June 25, 2010 I became new. No medicine, doctor or support group could do what Jesus did that night. He picked me up in my final hour and carried me home. Not a day goes by that I dont recognize that if it wasnt for Him, I wouldnt be here. My life is the evidence of His redemption. I am currently in School of Leaders 2, leader of cell group with amazing girl, dance coach, dental tech and GC intern. I live my life according to God's will and want to be used by Him all over the world. I know I have a long ways to go, but I have came so far. Everyday He saturates me in love and grace and mercy. I crave time with Him. I love to light a candle, turn the lights off, put on worship music and sit in His presence. Nothing can ever compare. Thank you Jesus, you will always have my heart.
Love, Sam
No comments:
Post a Comment