6 Month Review

I once herd a pastor say that you should do a personal evaluation every 6 months to make sure you are progressing in your relationship with the Lord. I never want to stop growing. Every day I realize more and more how this life is a journey and for me to go to new levels, lessons need to be learned, which usually entails hardships. I have failed many times. I guess you could say I am kind of hard on myself. I sit there and think up hundreds of reasons why I am not good enough, why He shouldn't love me, why I'm not worthy and how I've failed. But God is so great. It is always then, in the darkest, depressing abyss of my mind, that He revels His light. He counteracts all my reasons with His one, Jesus. Everything inside of me falls in His mercy and grace and I become humbled beyond words definition. And then He smiles. He always smiles. Does He smile because He loves me? Because Im going to be okay? Because I'm growing? The reason doesn't matter. My head cant comprehend it, but my spirit always understands, leaving me completley powerless before Him and I cry. I seriously loath crying, but when you feel His power work inside of you, your body has no other way of expressing whats going on. Words and songs dont hold enough weight. Does anyone know what I am talking about? Anyway, back to my review. December 25, 2010 was 6 months since salvation so I would say Im doing pretty good as of right now :) I've been an GC Intern since September and it is defiantly doing some work in me. I have my own cell, am in SOL and my leader named me her 'Timothy' which is super cool. 6 months ago I was...well, not where I am now, so lets just say I passed the '6 month test.'

Dear Samantha,

After being in continuous relationships since the age 14, many personal traits and characteristic have been lost or conformed to be that of which is attractive to the current XY. Which is why loneliness consumed your life after you moved back home, you were a foreigner to your own mind. Nothing is scarier then being completely alone, especially inside your head. Everything you liked and disliked were lies, your attempt at pleasing him, whoever he was. You wanted to be perfect to them and in that you lost yourself. Its hard being 21 and realizing you dont know anything about yourself. Its like learning to walk again. I started this list for this reason. Here are things I do know:

1. My name is Samantha Elaine Endres
2. I have brown hair and brown eyes
3. Im 5'6"
4. I have 3 blood siblings and 7 step (kind of, its complicated)
5. I love to read
6. Dance is my passion even though I really am not that good at it
7. I've always wanted to learn to play the violin
8. Im sanguine, phlegmatic with a lot of learned melancholy
9. Cholerics scare me
10. I wear a size 7 in shoes
11. I need more patients
12. Im scared of the dark
13. My favorite colors are pink, black and glitter (I dont like pink and black together though, its so juvenile)
14. Ive never denied there is a God
15. Teeth fascinate me
16. I love love stories even if they are super unrealistic
17. My room is hardly ever clean
18. Im really not interested in politics (is that bad?)
19. I've always wanted to go to ASU
20. Pets are annoying
21. Being late should be punished by amputation of finger or toe, they can choose
22. I wish I didnt eat as much fast food
23. Im blessed to have my parents
24. Self esteem is my biggest struggle
25. I love high heels
26. I never thought it was okay to cry
27. I love anyone who can make me laugh
28. Running is therapy
29. I dont like liquid medicine
30. I enjoy my alone time
31. If I only had one thing to eat for the rest of my life it would defiantly be sushi
32. Im scared to disappoint anyone
33. My love language is 'words of affirmation' followed closely by 'quality time' and 'gifts' in third place.
34. I crave cheeseburgers alot
35. Right before shark week I cry for a whole day (TMI?)
36. Jawna and I scream and run to each other every time we see each other, yes every time
37. God is going to use me all over the world
38. I want a Mac
39. My blackberry never leaves my side
40. C.S. Lewis is defiantly at the top of my list of people I want to meet in heaven

...TBC...
Love, Sam

Dear Music,

It amazes me the difference you make in my life. I dont know how to play any instruments (yet) and I cant sing, but I love your sound. I am fully convinced you were made souly for worshiping God. It saddens me to see how people have abused you. I run a busy schedule, but my favorite part of the day is when I find time to seclude myself, close my eyes and listen to you dance around me. I believe you were made to help my soul speak. My days wouldn't be the same without you. I love you.
Love, Sam

Dear Reader,

I just wanted to make clear the reason for my blog. I'm not looking for any pitty or attention, but just to simply tell my story. I think of it as a virtual diary, which is very therapeutic. I plan on writing a letter every day (or so, depending on my crazy schedule) to someone or something that impacted my day. Here is a recap on my life: I am twenty one years old and just recently moved back in with my parents. I lived in San Diego for the past year and a half with my (now ex) boyfriend. The moved back home was the result of an epic mental melt down. I still have no explanation for the events that took place in my life while we were dating. All I can say is how darkness the is absence of light, depression is the result of no God. But let me start at the very beginning. I am the product of a dysfunctional family. I have a hard working mother, a blind (figuratively speaking) father and siblings I absolutely adore. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and both remarried when I was 8. I was 9 during the worst of the storm, when both parents were facing tremendous heartache. For some reason they felt safety in me, leading to me becoming their personal therapist at the beautiful age of 10. This led to my first breakdown. I liked that they confided in me, but my innocent, gentle mind couldn't handle the chaos. I panicked and melted. I felt so bad afterwards. Why couldn't I just handle it? Oh young Samantha, how I wish I could shelter you. In a family with many kids, I disappeared. They always trusted me 'to take care of myself.' I spent my entire life being an overachiever, desperatly seeking my father's attention. My stepdad is an amazing guy and I love my mom dearly, but all I wanted was my father's time. I guess the story could have went way differently; I could have sought that lack of attention in other guys or drugs or partying, but the fact that I didnt proves that God always had His hand over me. I met my bestfriend, Sarena, in the 7th grade. She was one of the 'popular kids' and I was defiantly a 'late bloomer.' I was suprised that she was so nice. We have had our good times and bad, but she really is my other half. Sarena was the one who first invited me to Generations when we were sixteen. Through her, I met Alysia, one of the most genuine caring people in my life. I was actually put off at first by how much she cared about me. I grew up in church (sort of) and always knew there was a God, but Generations was different, they actually wanted me to have a relationship with Him. I went to the encounter and experienced some amazing things, but I was dating my 'high school sweetheart' at the time and my heart wasnt really in it. Which explains why when boyfriend #2 came around, I was so quick to move. I thought leaving Yuma was my answer, foolish girl. Fast forward past the destruction and I end up back in Yuma at the end of May '10. I was seeing a therapist, a whole crisis team actually, but each day I kept sinking deeper. Suzy, my friend and hair dresser, was the only person I kept in contact with when I moved. She also went to Generations and invited me to cell and church with her. I saw Alysia when I first got to church and ducked my head out of embarrassment and shame. I didnt want her to see me. Pastor Tim did the alter call and Suzy held my hand as we walked to the front. All I could think was 'its finally over.' Alysia was on stage playing the keyboard and we made eye contact. Crying was inevitable. I could tell by the look on her face that she missed me. Pastor Sarah, Suzy and Alysia all sat with me in the consolidation room, praying for me and crying with me. Its like they actually felt the hell that was going on inside of me and then the release that happened when Jesus entered my life. June 25, 2010 I became new. No medicine, doctor or support group could do what Jesus did that night. He picked me up in my final hour and carried me home. Not a day goes by that I dont recognize that if it wasnt for Him, I wouldnt be here. My life is the evidence of His redemption. I am currently in School of Leaders 2, leader of cell group with amazing girl, dance coach, dental tech and GC intern. I live my life according to God's will and want to be used by Him all over the world. I know I have a long ways to go, but I have came so far. Everyday He saturates me in love and grace and mercy. I crave time with Him. I love to light a candle, turn the lights off, put on worship music and sit in His presence. Nothing can ever compare. Thank you Jesus, you will always have my heart.
Love, Sam